Some people scroll through social media feeds. But when I’m on the toilet, I browse used vehicles for sale.
I’ve dedicated countless hours to window shopping for cars online over the past four years (from around the time when I started my first salaried corporate position). Somewhat of an advanced knowledge on this niche topic has become what I’m known for in social circles. My friends don’t often ask me for advice, until they find themselves in the market for a car. Then, they go out of their way to avoid me at all costs. It’s the price of being an expert.
Have I ever actually bought a car from Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace?
Did Copernicus ever go to the moon?
No, but he figured out all that shit up there anyway.
To be clear, I don’t recommend this hobby. So let these tips ease and improve your used car buying experience, at the cost of my waning sanity. Here are the nuggets of wisdom, which, over the years, have revealed themselves to me like shards of metal on a dipstick.
1. Some things are too good to be true:
The base-trim 2005 Nissan Maxima is up there with the McLaren F1 in terms of peak perfection that an automobile can achieve. Any car enthusiast will tell you that this car has been on a poster on their wall for as long as they can remember after 2005. Edmunds, the famous racing and motorsport magazine, described it as “one of the best combinations of performance, luxury and value in the midsize sedan segment.“
Plus, everyone knows that the best cars in the world come with two scissor doors. So what do you get when you take a Nissan Maxima and put four scissor doors on it? A car that’s at least twice as good as any of the best cars ever made. It’s mathematics.
I almost jumped on this one as soon as I saw it.
The only thing that stopped me was my pathological fear of scissors.
I checked the price today, which seems to have dropped from $9500 to $5700. It baffles me that it hasn’t sold for the past year and a half. Could so many people share this rare and terrible affliction?
2. Keep an eye out for subtle signs of damage:
Who doesn’t love a Miata? From styling to agility, they’re built to make you smile, from inside and out. They’ve been called the “four-cylinder, nine-tenths-scale Ferrari Daytona.” And don’t sleep on their extreme practicality.
But before you drop that four grand, let’s take a closer look. It might not be obvious at first, but this car actually has some minor damage on the front passenger side.
Keep in mind that having a two-by-four rammed through your front fender could potentially make it a bit difficult to steer. But Miatas are rear-wheel-drive, so accelerating forwards shouldn’t be too big of an issue. And if it doesn’t move at all? Well, at least it’ll do burnouts easier. Plus, based on my assumption that the driver of this vehicle probably drove through a barn, you know you’ll be doing business with someone who really knows how to live life.
3. A picture is worth a thousand words, but a good title is worth a thousand pictures:
I couldn’t help imagining the scenarios leading up to this post. How did it come to this? Are there more than two characters involved? Did someone die? Is the main character trying to die? Is this an act of despair? A crime of passion? Was there a betrayal? A disappearance? Did someone succumb to lust? Maybe vengeance? Is it a mystery?
There are almost as many possibilities here as there are things wrong with my car.
Naturally, I took the mathematical approach and found some numbers:
The odds of divorce are 1 in 2.
The odds of getting into a motorcycle accident are 1 in 100.
The average cost of divorce is $12,900.
The average settlement payout for a motorcycle accident is $80,000.
Would you rather have a 50% chance of losing $12,900 or a 1% chance of getting $80,000?
Whoever posted this might be on to something…
But one way or another, the drama here is thicker than my girlfriend’s obese cat.
4. The description says a lot about the seller:
Punctuation is overrated, and is usually an indicator that someone is a bit slow in the head. This guy doesn’t have that problem. I like this guy. How could you not? I mean, just look at these gems:
“has some rust don’t expect it new that’s why”
“it just has some ding dongs easy fix”
“gives me about 28mpg japanese”
This is a rare example of not only a fantastic description, but also, literary genius.
5. Get to the point
I’m a busy guy. I don’t have time to scroll through pictures and look at details or whatever. Just put them all on one screen.
What if the power steering leaks out and fails, or if the brakes fail, or if the battery fails, or if the old oil seizes the engine? These are the kinds of stupid questions that nobody has time for. What are we doing here, playing patty-cake? Come on.
If you waste my time, I will go out of my way and take the extra time to insult you for taking my time. Nobody has time for anything.
6. Kindness is key
The importance of civility in business interactions is understated. Business, although often reduced to cold, hard numbers on a frozen white screen, is actually a much more subjective and emotive discipline. Unlike pure mathematics, it can’t be done alone in a room with a chalkboard. It’s a fluid and quasi-mystical interaction between people, where the quality of a handshake can mean as much, or more, than the size of a bank account. In our identity as humans, conducting business is as central as language itself.
People want to do business with people that they want to do business with.
Note how the author here goes out of their way to be polite by addressing the audience directly as “sir/ma’am.”
7. Listen to the voice of the community
The other day my engine started sputtering, shaking, and gasping like a fish out of water. She seemed in bad shape.
The guy over the phone rushed through what parts I ought to get. They talk so fast nowadays. I don’t like this new guy so much. The older gentleman who ran the shop before used to come out and fix the car for me. Nice and slow. It’s too bad he’s gone. They say a jackstand just up and exploded out of the blue. Squashed him like a bug. But anyway, a bunch of parts wound up at my doorstep.
I’d give it a go myself but, problem is, I threw out my back in ’07 and haven’t turned a wrench since. And I’m not going out to any shops. I don’t go ‘out’. I drive, or I go home. That’s it. If someone wants to talk, they know how to reach me.
So I call up this guy. He’s supposed to be some kind of ‘mobile mechanic,’ or whatever. I guess he moves around and fixes things. What the hell do I know?
I tell him the deal. He says okee-dokee and all that. Seems in a hurry, just like the rest of the world all of a sudden.
Next thing I know, this guy, instead of working on the dang car, goes right on in and snatches up all my parts. Gives himself the ‘ol five finger discount. Can you believe this guy?
Now, I wasn’t born yesterday. Don’t you go thinking anyone can just come on up and pull a fast one on me.
And then, get this –
Then he goes ahead and charges me. He tells me to pay up. There’s just no more decency left in the world. Even a lowly thife won’t just run away like he’s supposed to.
So I ask this guy, I ask him, “why didn’t fix my car”? And he goes and starts getting all mad. Gives me the heebie-jeebies.
I had a real situation on my hands, and I have a feeling I’m lucky I got out unscathed. You see what happened was he got spooked on account of my 7 year-old Pomeranian, Mathilda. Old Tildy might be small, but she’s gotten quite vicious with age.
Sometimes I wonder if West of Indianapolis is the right place for me.
8. Know the facts
I usually describe my ’02 Celica as ‘basically the same thing as a Lotus,‘ or, ‘made by the company the makes the finest musical instruments in the world.‘ But also, most people don’t know that the 2017 Ferrari 488 GTB is just a rebadged early 2000’s Toyota Celica.
It’s also very common to get an easy 1,000,000 miles out of your Italian Stallion with little to no maintenance. So at 500,000 miles, this one is just barely broken in.
But the $6,500 asking price seems a bit low. I’d have a few questions for Canelito.
9. Watch out for scams
This is just a bowl of soup